Hello?
HELLO?? Whack!
Good. Thank you.
As some of you know, the company is going through a bit of restructuring. The Board of Directors has been dissolved, and the Chief Executive Officer and Chief Financial Officer have been taken up on money laundering charges. The President was finally apprehended only moments before he could escape to Mexico, and I'm pleased to announce that 4.5 billion of the company's 8.1 billion in assets have been recovered.
However, I must add this:
I am very, very disappointed.
And you know what happens when I'm disappointed, dont you?
Exactly.
In the past few weeks, it became obvious that someone in this company needed to step up to the plate and exhibit a little leadership. And yes, when I did so, there was a great deal of grumbling about how I was a mere secretary and who did I think I was anyway.
But I have managed to pull this company out of the fire and turn it around in a scant two weeks. Our stock price has tripled. Our quarterly returns promise to skyrocket. And it's certainly not in thanks for a group of men who hired twelve-year-old hookers from Guadalejuara.
This company needed one mother of a CEO.
And as you all know now, I am the mother of all mothers.
I didnt raise three kids just to see another bunch of overaged children run my place of employment into the ground. So I did what any good mother who believes in Tough Love would do.
I locked you out.
Remember? It was cold that day, wasnt it? But it taught you a lesson you were long overdue in learning.
Disobey, and you'll be punished.
Strongly.
You coming home late? You better have a good excuse. And God help you if you dont call.
If I find your fingers in the cookie jar, prepare to have them slapped so hard you'll be sucking your food through a straw for three months.
I dont want to hear a single word of backtalk, from any of you. Try it, and I'll introduce you to my very special bar of soap.
I expect to see all of you at the Directors meeting tomorrow, when I introduce my new staff. You'll recognize most of them, I'm sure -- many are your former secretaries. There's also Lenny from the mail room, and three members of the cleaning staff. They know this company far better than you, because they see it from the bottom up.
And as for all of you... well, I think the question we should be asking now is: Who do you think you are, anyway?
Thank you.
